幽默解毒尴尬（中）
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时间： 2007年03月09日 10:41 作者：艾临 来源：新东方专稿
Fine Hair On My Body ( 汗毛)
When I sat in a rocking-chair enjoying the cool in summer , three-year-old daughter felt softly my fine hair on my shank (小腿), asked in a puzzle: " Papa, why do you have so many hairs?" I said: " It is called fine hair on human body, sweat will sweat from here during hot days." Then she looked at my knee and palm, asked again: " Why is there not any hair here?" I was little of a biologist (此为用不定量词表示的程度句) and couldn' t explain the phenomenon whatsoever, asked her in reply: " If there were hairs everywhere, I would be a monkey."
Look, it' s so simple to deal with a kid.
夏天，我坐在摇椅上乘凉，三岁的小宝贝儿轻轻地摸弄着我小腿上的汗毛，不解地问：“爸爸，为什么有这么多毛毛呀？”我说：“这是汗毛，天热时汗就会从这出来。”她看了看膝盖和手掌，又问：“ 那为什么这儿却没有呢？”我又不是生物学家，哪懂得那么多，反问道：“要是到处都是毛毛，那不成猴猴啦？”
你看，对付孩子就这么简单。
Fill in Blanks According to Original Text (按原文填空)
Once my little daughter did not score higher on Chinese test, so I criticized her and took myself as an example, saying:" My scores of Chinese had never been below 98.”She argued to say:" Your topic was simple at that time." I objected:" It is not necessarily the case（半否定句，情况未必如此）. I learned the Chinese character ‘彪’in the first month of primary school, but you can’t read it even in grade two."" Still, you may not complete my questions now?"" Darling, do not forget, daddy is a university teacher." My daughter said archly(狡黠的，调皮的):" All right, please do Question 3 first——‘Fill in Blanks According to Original Text'."
一次，小女儿语文没考好，我批评了她几句，拿自己的当年做榜样，说：“我语文没下过98分。”她争辩说：“你们那时候题目简单。”我说：“话不能这么讲。我上学的第一个月就学会了林彪的‘彪’字，你都小学二年级了，还不认识这个字。”“那你现在还不一定会做我们的题呢？”“乖乖，别忘了，爸爸是大学老师。”小女儿狡猾地说：“好吧，先做第三题——‘按原文填空’。”
God Knows （天知道）
A mountain villager in India were struck to death by thunderbolt, which cause numerous and confused comments among villagers , saying that the guy who had perpetrated （犯罪，做错事） outrages（暴行，激起民愤的事件） should be struck by lightening earlier. However, another villager who was regarded as a generally accepted good man in whole village was struck by lightning to death before long （不久以后。注：long before为在……以前很久）, then all villagers were at a loss for words .At this time a gifted scholar of the village came out boldly to say:" Though he looks as if butter would not melt in his mouth （看来一本正经，装得老老实实）in normal times, we do not know the dinkum oil（真相）, but God knows after all."
印度一山村的一个男人被雷击而死，村民们议论纷纷，说这家伙为非作歹，早该叫雷劈了。没过多久，又一个村民遭到雷击身亡，他却是全村公认的好人，大家都不吱声了。这时，村子里的一个才子站出来说：“尽管平常装得道貌岸然，他到底是什么样的玩意儿，我们不知道，天知道。”
Goethe Gives Way （歌德让路）
German poet Johann Wolfgang von Goethe met with a personal foe（敌人，用于正式文体）face to face in a narrow path. That person pulled a long face to say:" I never have the habit of making a way for a stupid pig."
Goethe said , dodging （闪开，躲避） swiftly to one side:" I have!"
德国诗人歌德和一个仇人狭路相逢，那人板着脸说：“我从来没有给蠢猪让路的习惯。”
歌德把身子一闪，说：“我有！”
Going Well With Each Other （般配）
The wife is flustered（使慌张） and exasperated（惹恼，触怒）, snarling（咆哮，厉声叫喊） to his husband: “It will be even better to get married to dog than to get married to you!" " Attention! The close relatives are banned （明令禁止） to get married." The husband still does not feel it vents（孔，发泄） his hatred enough adding:" You are really too stubborn, seem not far from the Kiang." Seeing her turn comes, the wife has a swift response by vindictive(报复的，恶意的，惩罚性的) estimation:" Just one step ."
妻子气急败坏，冲着丈夫咆哮：“嫁给狗也比嫁给你强！” “注意！近亲不能结婚。” 丈夫似乎还不解恨，又加一句：“你就是太犟，好象离野驴不远了。”一见机会来了，妻子目测了一下距离，打了个短评快：“一步之遥。”
Hint （暗示）
A girl had a date with a young man again after the night fell. The girl was exceedingly contented to the youngster, asked him exploratively(试探，探索) :" It is said the man two arms’ length right equals to the waistline(腰围) of his beloved girl . Do you believe it ?"
一个姑娘和一个小伙子再次相约黄昏后，姑娘对小伙子十二分的满意，试探着问他：“据说男人两臂的长度正好和他心爱的女孩子的腰围相等，这个你信吗？”
Hurricane （飓风）
The Geography teacher is prelecting（在大学里讲课） :" Speak from the macroscopic（宏观）, the geography of the United States is similar to that of China. E.g., during summer, hurricane often attacks the southeast coast of the United States, but typhoon often blows into the southeast coast of PRC. The destructiveness（破坏性） of hurricane blowing from Caribbean to the United States is bigger than that of typhoon from the Taiwan Straits（复数形式表示单数含义，尤用于专有名词） to Chinese mainland."" Why?" A question arises suddenly. The teacher says intentionally: "USA belongs to the sole superpower, so the speed of hurricane is supposed to be faster than that of typhoon . Otherwise , the American people will encounter mental unbalance."
地理老师在讲课：“从宏观上讲，美国地理和中国有相似的地方。如在夏季，美国的东南沿海常刮飓风，而中国的东南沿海常刮台风。从加勒比海吹向美国的飓风比从台湾海峡吹向中国的台风破坏性还要大。”“为什么？”突然有人问。老师故意说：“人家是唯一的超级大国，飓风的速度应自然要比台风大些。否则，他们的心理就会不平衡了。”
Hat and Head （帽子与头）
Hans Christian Andersen , Danish nursery tale writer, was born in a humble family. He often wore a torn hat even in the winter . A play boy looked down upon （看不起）him and said:" What the shabby（破旧的，寒酸的） thing on your head? Is that still called a hat?" Not to be outdone(胜过，制服), Andersen countered (对抗) that chap in reply:" What the shabby thing beneath your hat? Is that still called a head?"
丹麦的童话作家安徒生出身寒门，冬天常戴着一顶破帽子。有个花花公子瞧不起他，说：“你头上戴的那破玩意儿是什么？那还叫帽子吗？”安徒生毫不示弱，反问道：“你帽子下面的那破玩意儿是什么？那还叫头吗？”
Helping Meet An Urgent Need （救驾）
Zhuge-jin ( Zhuge-liang’s elder brother ) with a long face, offered his service for East Wu. To play joke on him, someone led a donkey into the Palace, what’s more, on whose head hanged a note , it read: Zhuge-jin. It invited the emperor and ministers to rock (摇，摆动) with laughter. On seeing it, Zhuge-ke, the son of Zhuge-jin, added the" ’s donkey" with a writing-brush on the keen jump(立即). The emperor appreciated him greatly and bestowed (赠与，花费，留宿)the donkey to him then.
诸葛瑾（诸葛亮的哥哥）供职于东吴，脸型较长。有人想捉弄他，把一头驴弄进宫中，还在驴头上挂了个纸条，上书：诸葛瑾。惹得皇帝和大臣们笑得前仰后合。诸葛瑾的儿子诸葛恪见状，提笔补上“之驴”二字。皇帝十分欣赏，便将驴赐给了他。
He Didn’t Hold Out Enough ( 坚持不够)
The oldest inhabitant （ 常住居民） had celebrated his hundredth birthday and the reporter of a local paper called on him for an interview.
The reporter inquired: “ To what do you attribute （attribute┅ to ：把┅┅ 归因于） your longevity（长寿）?” The centenarian （ 百岁老人） said: “ All in all(总而言之), the three-five-seven method.” “What is the three-five-seven method?” The old man ticked off the items on his fingers: “ Here 3 refers to 3-kilometer walking; 5 needs you to walk at least for 5 times a week ; 7 means exercising (mean doing sth: 意味着，就是； mean to do sth: 打算，有┅┅意图) up to the extent that your age plus your pulses equals to 170.” “ But,’ protested the reporter,” I had an uncle who acted in that way, yet he only lived to be 55. How do you account for that?”
“ He didn’t keep it up long enough,” the old man said full of wit (风趣地).
本地最年长的人庆祝他的百岁生日，当地报社的记者采访了他。
记者问：“您长寿的秘诀是什么？”百岁老人说：“一句话，‘三五七’法。”“什么是‘三五七’法？”“老人扳着手指说，这里‘三’指散步三公里，‘五’要你每周至少五次，‘七’指锻炼到年龄加脉搏达到一百七十。”“不过，”记者仍有疑问：“我有个叔叔就是按这个法做的，可他只活到五十五岁，你怎么解释呢？”
“他坚持的不够长。”老人风趣地说。
In The Third Place (第三名)
When Chaplin made a tour to Europe, the local people were holding a big competition in imitating Chaplin. Chaplin registered his name for participating in it with great interest. Contrary to his expectation, Chaplin had just come out （开花，显影，取得名次） the second place. As the sponsor unit invited Chaplin to made a speech at the prize –giving ceremony , he said:“ There is only one Chaplin in the world, that is me. To my embarrassment, I must abide by (遵从) the verdict （裁断）of the arbitrator. Since I’m the second place, you’d better ask the first Chaplin to speak."
卓别林在欧洲旅游时，当地人正举行卓别林模仿秀大赛，卓别林也饶有兴趣地报名参加了。出人意外的是，卓别林只得第二名。发奖时，发起单位请真卓别林讲话。卓别林说：“世界上只有一个卓别林，那就是我。为难的是，应该尊重评委的裁定，我既被评为第二名，还是请第一卓别林讲话吧。”
迷你小贴士——词义辨析
arbiter：没有官方委任，靠威望、身份的仲裁者，裁判员。书面语。
arbitrator：可以与arbiter换用，更常用。
umpire：主要指运动方面的裁判员，可指军事演习的裁判官。
referee：主要指农业劳资双方纠纷的仲裁人，足球、拳击等体育方面的裁判员。
judge：法官，仲裁人。常用词。
In Your Position Now （在你现在的位置上）
Khrushchev launched an all-out （全力的，没有保留的） attack against Stalin under the excuse of opposing（反对，反抗） personality cult（个人崇拜） at a closed-door session, which caused some representatives（代表） to protest. Someone passed on a note with a question on it: When Stalin made these mistakes, as a member of the central committee, wherever are you at that very time?”
Khrushchev rant out（咆哮，怒吼）:" Just in your position now."
赫鲁晓夫在一次秘密会议上，借口反对个人崇拜，对斯大林大肆攻击。这引起了一些代表的不满，有人传过来一张小条，上面写：斯大林犯这些错误时，作为中央委员，你当时在哪里？
赫鲁晓夫咆哮道：“就在你现在的位置上。
I Was Afraid to Frighten You （我怕吓着你）
An ex-service （退役的） old guerrilla narrated his combat career in the past to his little grandson:" I once carried out the mission alone and encountered an enemy company. By means of making a feint （佯攻，虚晃） to the east and attacking in the west, I annihilated （歼灭，完全消灭） all the enemy troops. " His little grandson asked:" I remembered being once told a squad （班，小队） before, how can it be changed into a company now ?" The grandpa took offense at it, saying :" You were too young at that time, so I feared to frighten you."
一个退役的老游击队员给小孙子讲述他当年的战斗经历：“有一次我单独执行任务，遇到敌人一个连。我声东击西，把敌人全部消灭了。” 小孙子问：“记得以前您说是一个班，怎么现在成一个连了？”爷爷没好气地说：“当时你还小，我怕吓着你。”
Knotty Problem （棘手的问题）
Her 5 children all came to congratulate Grandmother’s birthday. The little grandson asked :" Maternal grandma, are you sure younger aunt, uncle and mother are all your children?"" Positively（美国口语：当然，正是）.” Grandmother said proudly.” So are they not crowded in your belly（腹部） ?"Grandmother diverged（分叉，偏离） to another topic seasonedly（老练地）, saying in retrospect（回顾，追忆） : “ At that time I had to take great pains to bring up 5 children, living the difficult life as a matter of fact（事实上，实际） ?" The small grandson asked continuously:" Why did not you bear less?"Grandmother spread out her hands saying: "In the eyes of you, wherever should I stop as far as I ’m concerned(对我来说) ?"
外婆生日那天，她的5个儿女都来祝贺。小外孙问了一句：“姥姥，你肯定小姨、舅舅和妈妈他们都是你的孩子吗？”“当然。”外婆自豪地说。“当时他们在你肚子里不挤得慌吗？”外婆老练地岔开小外孙的话，追忆说：“当时生活困难，还要拉扯5个孩子，日子不好过啊。” 小外孙问个没完：“难道您不会少生一个吗？”外婆双手一摊说：“那你说我应该从哪打住好呢？”
Keep Heads From Faint (头不昏)
A reporter interviewed an Argentine minister of a tiler origin:" Sir. please let me ask you what the similarities(相似之处) are between a minister and a tiler ?"
The minister answered with a smile:" Both are in a lofty(极高的，崇高的) place but keep heads from faint."
记者采访阿根廷一个泥瓦匠出身的部长：“请问，阁下，部长和泥瓦匠之间有什么相似之处？”
部长笑答：“两者都是身在高处而头不昏。”
Logic （ 逻辑）
A woman writer and his husband vacationed beside a lake in the north.. In the west of lake was a zone prohibiting on fishing while in the east was for fishing. The woman writer who prepared to send her husband a fishing rod rowed into the forbidden area due to the heavy fog. An administrator cropped up (突然出现): “ Good morning. Please come over here and handed in 30 pounds fine.” “ But I didn’t fish.” “ You have a knit of fishing tackle (用具，装备).”
The woman became indignant: “ In that case, I’ll accuse you of rape (强奸).”
“ Conduct yourself with dignity, young lady. I don’t touch you whatsoever.”
“Still, you have a knit of installation（装置，设施） for rape.” The woman did not let him off easily.
一个女作家和丈夫在北方的一个湖边度假。湖东边可以钓鱼，湖西则是禁钓区，因湖面雾大，给丈夫送鱼竿的女作家划入了禁钓区。管理人员突然出现：“早上好！请跟我过来一下，交上罚款30英镑。”“可我没钓鱼啊？”“你明明带着一整套鱼具。”
女作家急了：“那样的话，我告你强奸。”
“自重些，女士！我可没动你一指头。”
“没错，可你拥有全套的设备。”女的不依不饶。
Look at His… (看看人家的……)
The military authority of the United States provides: The military personnel in active service(现役军人) are not allowed to wear long hair. But as a commander in chief of NATO（北约）, General Hag was an exception alone. A soldier clipped （用剪刀剪，别针）out his head portrait （肖像）from the pictorial （画报）magazine and pasted it on his company commander office, with writing: Look at his Long Hair !The next day he found the company commander ’sprompt（提示，提白）beside it:“ Look at his Rank（军阶，等级）!”
美国军方规定：现役军人不得蓄长发。而身为北大西洋公约总司令的黑格将军却置身法外。一个士兵把黑格的头像从画报上剪了下来，贴到了连长办公室的门口，写道：“看看人家的长发！”第二天，他发现连长的续了一句提示：“看看人家的官衔！”
Making Up Blemish （弥补缺陷）
In a big name's party, taking advantage of sottishness（醉醺醺） , a traveler tipsily （醉酒地，摇摇晃晃地） came to the famous poet Heine, saying with profanation（不敬的语言）:" Sir Heine, I discovered an islet neither donkey nor Jew on it" Heine of the Jew origin said with a smile:" As it is, traveler, let’s say both you and I go there together, the deficiency （缺陷） just would be corrected.."
在一次名人聚会上，一个旅行家借着酒意，摇摇晃晃地来到大诗人海涅面前，挑衅说：“海涅先生，我发现一个小岛，上面就是没有驴子和犹太人 。”犹太人出身的海涅笑着说：“那样的话，大旅行家，如果你和我一块去，就恰好弥补这个缺陷。” （编辑：赵露）
（本文作者艾临，英语副教授。出版著作《每天幽它一默》、《七彩幽默背单词》，在《中国成人教育》、《山东外语教学》、《英语沙龙》、《中国日报——21世纪报》、《英语周报》、《英语辅导》等发表论文、译文60篇；山东青年书法家协会会员，作品多次发表获奖，为美、新、港等地友人所珍藏；发表诗作、游记以及史学论文等150篇（首）。为人热情幽默，兴趣广泛。）
