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时间： 2007年03月07日 09:07 作者：艾临 来源：新东方专稿
人生是条单行线，生活不能彩排。遭遇尴尬或造成尴尬的情况都是难免的，甚至是“司空见惯浑闲事”。尴尬往往具有突发性，令人猝不及防，搞不好叫你狼狈不堪，以至于“断尽江南刺使肠”。如何应对尴尬是一门不小的学问，有着应用性和实践性，反应出一个人的修养、机敏和智慧。如果对方是故意给下你面子，那必定是蓄谋已久的，在力量对比的场合上对你都是不利的。你如果正面反击，多半吃亏，自然不是明智之举。你不妨将计就计，借坡骑驴，顺势把对方闪在坑；你也可以假痴不颠，绵里藏针，使射来的毒箭在近身之前就改变它的方向。自己处变不惊，履险如夷，永葆金刚不坏身。
下面的幽默小品英汉对照，双语共进，没准儿您会有一种相见恨晚的感觉。
A Rooster （公鸡）
A cock and a clock compared so as to see who wast(=was) superior （优越的） in giving the correct time. The clock said: “I adopted the latest advanced technology , my mean （平均的） error in a year is less than one second. Can you accomplish so?” After a pregnant(怀孕的，意味深长的 ) pause, the rooster(AE=cock) said: “ Even if you may be accurate once in a while, but can you be cooked into soup? ”
公鸡和钟表在比谁报时更准。钟表说：“我采取的是最先进的技术，一年的误差还不到一秒，你行吗？”公鸡沉默良久，说：“就算你偶尔会稍微准一点，可你能熬成汤喝吗？”
A Bare Encounter （赤诚相间）
At the last phase of World War Ⅱ, Roosevelt had reflected to set up United Nations to replace League of Nations （国际联盟） existing in name only . Churchill perceived（察觉，看出） it but didn’t figure out his actual arrangement .One day Churchill was taking a shower in the White House, while Roosevelt entered the room unintentionally. Facing this world-level embarrassed situation , Churchill grasped at the opportunity to punned on a word（一语双关）:" Sir President, you see I don’t conceal anything from you anyway."
二战末期，罗斯福考虑用联合国来取代名存实亡的国际联盟。邱吉尔觉察到了这一点，但猜不出罗斯福的实际安排。一天，邱吉尔正在白宫洗澡，罗斯福无意也进去了，面对这一世界级的尴尬局面，邱吉尔借机一语双关地说：“总统阁下，你看我对您可是什么也没有隐瞒呀。”
A Peddler of Selling Earthen Basins (卖瓦盆的小贩)
A peddler sold earthen basins in the wayside, he chanted as knocked :"Earthen basin is round, beautiful and solid, judging by the sound, they are all good." At the time of his knocking, that earthen basin was broken into pieces with a crack（爆裂声） . Lookers-on burst into the roars of laughter. He threw the fragments（碎片，残片） without extra trouble into paddy（稻谷，稻田） field, but an experienced peasant from the crowd did not let him off（放过，不惩罚） easily:" How the deuce （强式特指问句） can you throw them into my field? They’ll impede （妨碍）my growing crops!" The peddler who sold earthen basins tried to explain it away promptly:" Nothing, the fragments will be converted into powder as soon as they absorbed water ."
一个小贩在路边卖瓦盆，他一边敲一边唱：“瓦盆圆又圆，结实又好看，光听这声音，就知不一般。”敲着敲着，“啪啦”一声，把盆敲烂了。围观的人一阵哄笑。他顺手把碎片扔进了稻田里，谁知人群中一个老农不干了：“你怎么能往我地里扔？这不影响我种田吗？” 卖瓦盆的小贩连忙辩解：“不要紧，瓦片见水一会儿就粉了。”
Because Of Age (因为年龄)
An old man meets by chance a hot female movie star, seeing her low-cut attire（衣着，盛装） without tape, asks curiously:" Can this clothes drop down?" "It can't ."" Why not?" The old man still asks.
" Because of your age." The screen star says mysteriously.
一老者邂逅一当红女影星，见她穿着低领无带露装，就好奇的问：“这衣服会不会掉下来？” “不会的。”“为什么呢？”老者还问。
“因为你的年龄。”女明星神秘兮兮地说。
Beer Dyes Hair （啤酒染发）
General Eisenhower attended to the victory meeting. A waitress was only too(=very) nervous to spill a glass of beer on the head of Eisenhower unexpectedly, then high-ranking military officers there burst into an uproar(喧嚣，骚动). General Eisenhower with grey temples(太阳穴) shrugged to say:" Miss, would you want to dye my hair with beer?
艾森豪威尔将军参加一次庆功会，一位女服务生过于紧张，竟把一杯啤酒洒在了艾森豪威尔将军的头上，众将领一片哗然。两鬓挂霜的艾森豪威尔将军耸了耸肩说：“小姐，你想用啤酒给我染发吗？
Bernard Shaw Presents Again (萧伯纳再赠)
Bernard Shaw detected his play that had been presented to one of his friends in a stall（书摊，货摊） of "Sell Cheap". On the title page（扉页，地点状语倒装表示强调） was still written “Bernard Shaw Present”, then he bought it right away. After writing" George Bernard Shaw Presents again" , he sent this book again to that friend.
萧伯纳在“廉价处理”的地摊上，发现了他曾赠给朋友的自己的一个剧本，扉页上还有他的题赠字样。他当即把它买下，续上“乔治． 萧伯纳再次敬赠”后，把这本书又寄给了给了那位朋友。
Candidates （候选人）
The pastor evangelized while someone fell asleep, so the pastor was determined to teach him a lesson. The pastor whispered :" All who want to heaven, please rise." Everyone got up except the snorer（打鼾者）. After whispering “ Be seated ”, the pastor came out:" Who want go to hell stand up." Awaking with a start, the sleepyhead jumped to his feet. Seeing the pastor standing tall on pulpit（布道坛） , he said: "I do not know what we’re voting on , but it looks like you and me are only candidates for it.”
牧师布道有人在睡觉，牧师决定教训一下他。牧师低声说：“想去天堂的人站起来。”除打瞌睡的人外，大家都站了起来。说过请坐之后，牧师大声说：“想下地狱的站起来。”被这一喊叫所惊醒，打瞌睡的人站了起来。见牧师站在教坛上，他说：“不知道我们在选举什么，看来你和我是仅有的候选人。”
Can Survive （死不了）
During Tang Dynasty a big feudal bureaucrat （官僚） Fang-xuanling was critically ill, the associates（同事，朋友） intended to call him on .Pei-xuanben played a joke on him saying:" If he will be pulled through（使度过危险或危机） crisis, it worth（接动名词） paying a visit; If not , what’s the good doing it ?"His words spread quickly to the ear of Fang-xuanling.Afterwards, Pei , along with other colleagues ,still called on Fang . Fang became delirious（非常激动的，特别愉快的） with joy, saying:” Since Pei Langzhong ( an ancient official title ) also comes to see me, it seems I can survive .”
唐代的房玄龄病危，同僚拟前去看望。有个叫裴玄本的说：“如他的病好了，去还值；如好不了，去他干啥？”这话很快传到了房的耳朵里。后来，裴还是随大伙看望了房。房一下子高兴起来，说：“裴郎中也来看我，看来我死不了啦。”
Calling the Roll (点名)
Giving the first class for freshmen, I called the roll as a rule. A rare name caught me during the process . “禚牮”。I skipped it by instinct （本能地） and inquired the class in the wake of finishing calling the roll : “Is there anybody else no name in the list?” “Yes.” A student stood up. “ What’s your name?” “Zhuojian (transliteration：音译)” I said calmly: “ I know, sit down. ” My God! I’m afraid that I never forget his name.
给新生上第一次课，我照例要点一下名。点着点着，一个极为罕见的名字冒了出来：“禚牮！”我本能地跳了过去。等点完了名，我问：“有没点到的没有？” “有。”一位同学站了起来。“你叫什么名字？”“禚牮（音：灼见）。”我说：“知道了，你请坐。”天啊，恐怕我下辈子都忘不了这两个字。
Clever As A Child (小时聪明)
Kong Rong showed remarkable cleverness when at six years old(无动词从句). Not a few people could not refrain from admiring him. Nevertheless, a senior official in feudal（封建的） China（大夫）whose surname was Chen commented: “Clever as a child is, he will mostly grows mediocre（平庸的，普通的） when an adult.” Kong Rong sailed with the wind and said: " Your Excellency （阁下，敬辞） was certainly very clever as a child."
孔融六岁时就显出过人的聪明，不少人禁不住夸他几句。有个姓陈的大夫却说：“小时聪明，往往大时了了。”孔融接过话说：“大人小时一定非常聪明。”
" Cheated" Boundless Transient Travelers（“骗”了无涯过客）
Bergmoletz developed the longevity theory, sc. , the person's nature lifespan is 150 years. He therefore was awarded(授予) Stalin's medal, and became an academician（院士）of Academy of Sciences (科学院). But he only lived to the age of 64 when he died in 1946.Stalin commented after knowing:" This guy cheated us all."
博戈莫列茨发展了长寿理论，即人的自然年龄可活到150岁。他因此获得斯大林奖章，并成为科学院院士。而他1946年去世时，年仅64岁。斯大林知道后说：“这家伙把大家都骗了。”
Conan Doyle Returns Manuscript（柯南道尔退稿）
An editor received a letter from an author, it read as follows:" Sir, you sent back my novel contribution last Sunday, but you did not finish reading it. Because I intentionally glued several pages together, you returned my contribution was still pasted together, thus it proved you has been duping(欺骗，哄骗) the contributors, and you are a culture swindler(骗子)."
The editor wrote in reply :" There is a fried egg in the case of your breakfast . Assuming you have already known the egg had gone bad, it is unnecessary to eat it up." The very person was the coming author of the Stories of Sherlock Holmes — Arthur Conan Doyle.
一个编辑收到一封作者的来信，信中说：“先生，星期天你退回了我的一篇小说，可你根本就没有读完。因为我故意几页稿子粘在一起，你退给我时它们仍粘在一起。由此可见，你一直在糊弄作者，你是个文化骗子。”
编辑回信说：“早餐时，有一份煎鸡蛋，如果知道它已经坏了，大可不必把它吃完。”此人就是后来《福尔摩斯探案》的作者阿瑟．．柯南道尔。
Disorder (颠倒)
Wife: Did you remember what I told you that you could drink two liters of beer to the most (最多) and should go home no later than ten o’clock ?
Husband: I have bad memory to disorder them.
妻子：我不是告诉你最多只能喝两升啤酒，最晚不能超过十点就回家吗？
丈夫：我记性差，记倒了。
Double-dealer （两面派）
Lincoln was tall and lean of stature, with coarse hair and gray eyes and a dark complexion. Knowing Douglass gossiped（传播流言蜚语） about that he was a double-faced fellow, Lincoln said to the audience:" Everybody see, supposing I had the second face, would I still keep this face?"
林肯身材瘦高，皮肤黝黑，头发粗糙，眼睛灰暗。得知道格拉斯说他是两面派，林肯对听众说：“大家看，我要是有第二张脸，我还会要这张脸吗？”
Dinner Hour （吃饭的时候）
" Mummy, how is father's hair so sparse（稀疏的）?"
" Because he uses the brain excessively."
" How is your hair so dense?"
" Eat your yummy（美味的）dumpling（汤团，水果布丁，胖墩，水饺） quickly, darling."
“妈妈，怎么爸爸的头发那么稀少？”
“那是用脑过度。”
“怎么你的头发那么稠密？”
“快吃你好吃的饺子吧，宝贝儿。”
Diplomatic Parlance （外交辞令）
An European diplomat asks an envoy of Africa:" The death rate in your country might be very high?" The envoy of Africa replies:" As the same as that of your country, sc. , everybody dies only once."
A big country’s diplomat asks a small country’s emissary（使者）: "Have not you said that you one can cope with （对付，处理） one hundred? How do you come to sue（请求，控告） for peace?" The small country’s emissary replies: "Our country is too small to accommodate（提供住宿，迁就） so many P.O.W.s (captives) of your country."
一个欧洲外交官问一非洲国家的使者：“贵国的死亡率是很高的吧？”非洲使者答：“和贵国一样，即，每人只死一次。”
一个大国外交官问一个小国使者：“你不是说你们以一可以顶百吗？怎么前来求和了呢？”小国使者答：“我们国家太小，怕盛不下你们那么多俘虏。”
Didn’t See You (没看见你)
Sucre rides the motorcycle and arrives at the crossroads(十字路口), just with red light on.. Seeing no car passing, he dashes by(冲过去) . Unfortunately , he is caught up by a policeman who rides a motorcycle .The policeman asks:" Did not you see the red light?"" Yes, I did , it was an only pity that I did not see you." Says Sucre.
苏克雷骑摩托来到十字路口，正赶上红灯，他左右一看没车，便冲了过去。谁知被一个骑摩托车的警察追上。警察问：“你没看见红灯吗？”“不，看见了，遗憾的只是没有看见你。”苏克雷说。
Dickens In Angling （狄更斯钓鱼）
When Dickens was fishing beside a pond, a stranger came over to ask:" Did you catch the fish?" Dickens said:" I caught three red trouts（鳟鱼） yesterday ."The stranger asked:" Do you know who I am? I am a managing person here, hand over fine money 30 pound， please." Dickens asked him the counter-question: "And do you know who I am?" The stranger said:" Do not know." Dickens told him occupying the vantage（优势，有利） ground:" I am a writer, fabrication（虚构，伪造） is my occupation."
狄更斯正在池塘边钓鱼，一个陌生人过来问：“钓到鱼了吗？”狄更斯说：“昨天钓了三条红鳟鱼。”陌生人问：“你知道我是谁吗？我是这里的管理员，请交罚款30镑。”狄更斯反问他：“你知道我是谁吗？”陌生人说：“不知道。”狄更斯居高临下地说：“我是作家，虚构是我的职业。”
Encountering Pushkins （遭遇普希金）
At a duke （公爵）family party in Peterburg（彼得堡） , a Russia juvenile （少年，法律词汇） wanted to dance a dance（同源宾语） with a noble young lady, but that lady refused him disdainfully: “ I hate dancing with a child.” The juvenile saved his face swiftly, saying: “ I don’t know you are with child(怀有孩子).” This was no other than(强式判断句) Pushkins , romantic great poet afterward.
在彼得堡一位公爵的家庭舞会上，有一位俄罗斯少年想请一个漂亮的贵族小姐跳舞，女方不屑地说：“我不带小孩跳舞。”少年敏捷挽回了面子，说：“我不知道你怀有孩子了。”此人后来就是风流倜傥的大诗人普希金。
Funds （经费）
A general manager’s wife secretary is sitting on his legs when his wife comes to look for him. The prestigious (有声望的) general manager looks outraged（伤害，引起……义愤）and says in a top voice: “I’m bound to solve the problem of chairs of our company for love or money（无论如何） despite the lack of outlay(经费).”
总经理的夫人来找时，女秘书正坐在他的腿上。这个“有声望的” 总经理非常生气，高声说：“经费再不足，我们公司无论如何也要解决椅子问题。” （编辑：赵露）
（本文作者艾临，英语副教授。出版著作《每天幽它一默》、《七彩幽默背单词》，在《中国成人教育》、《山东外语教学》、《英语沙龙》、《中国日报——21世纪报》、《英语周报》、《英语辅导》等发表论文、译文60篇；山东青年书法家协会会员，作品多次发表获奖，为美、新、港等地友人所珍藏；发表诗作、游记以及史学论文等150篇（首）。为人热情幽默，兴趣广泛。）
