[英语]Joke of Today [复制链接]

Our son, Chris, is a premed student at Georgia Southern University in Statesboro. He is fortunate to have a job in the research lab, where they are studying Lyme disease.

Recently he called home and told us that he had received a promotion. "Great!" I said. "You can always use more money."

There was a slight pause before Chris responded, "Well, I didn't exactly get more money. But they did give me more keys."

the Freedom


And there he saw all the secret police, and the people were scared and didn't smile. (That was before; I don't know how it is now.)

So the American said, "What's wrong?" He said to his friend, "What's that? You dare not say anything. In America, we can criticize the president and government anytime we want. We are free to criticize them anytime, about anything."

So the Russian friend said, "Yeah, here we're also free to criticize the American government and its president any time."

An Old Joke


Dear white, something you got to know. 亲爱的白种人，有几件事你必须知道。　　

When I was born, I was black. 当我出生时，我是黑色的。　　

When I grow up, I am black. 我长大了，我是黑色的。　　

When I'm under the sun, I'm black. 我在阳光下，我是黑色的。　　

When I'm cold, I'm black. 我寒冷时，我是黑色的。　　

When I'm afraid, I'm black. 我害怕时，我是黑色的。　　

When I'm sick, I'm black. 我生病了，我是黑色的。　　

When I die, I'm still black. 我死了，我仍是黑色的。　　

You--white people, 你－－白种人，　　

When you were born, you were pink. 当你出生时，你是粉红色的。　　

When you grow up, you become white. 你长大了，变成白色的。　　

You're red under the sun. 你在阳光下，你是红色的。　　

You're blue when you're cold. 你寒冷时，你是青色的。　　

You are yellow when you're afraid. 你害怕时，你是黄色的。　　

You're green when you're sick. 你生病时，你是绿色的。　　

You're gray when you die. 当你死时，你是灰色的。　　

And you, call me"color"? 而你，却叫我"有色人种”？

The same service


A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor.

"When I was first married, I was very happy. I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop, and my little dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring me my slippers. Now everything's changed. When I come home, my dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at me."

"I don't know what you're complaining about," said the counselor, "You're still getting the same service."

Lawyer's answer

　
　　A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"

　　The housewife replies: "Four!".

　　The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my calculator one more time."

　　The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

西方式的幽默 ~~

还真有点领悟不到

The Advantage of Alcohol


In order to prove the harmful effect of alcohol,the teacher put a bug into a glass filled with alcohol,soon the bug died. The teacher asked a student,"what does this show?"

The student answered,"It shows that people won't get parasites if they drink more alcohol."

Send the Bill to My Father


Doctor： I can do nothing for your complaint. It is hereditary.

Patient： then send the bill to my father，please.

Tom’s Answer


Teacher: Today we are going to learn subtraction. Tom, if your little sister has ten pencils and you take away four from them. What’s the result?

Tom: Oh, let me see. The result is that she is sure to cry.

A Heavy Sleeper

The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the sermon.

As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So, in a whisper, he asked the congregation. "All who want to go to heaven，please rise." Everyone got up except the snorer. After whispering "Be seated", the minister shouted at the top of his voiced, "All those who want to be with the devil, please rise."

Awaking with a start, the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit, "Well, sir," he said, "I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it."

A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train.He had never seen them before,so he began:"My name is Stone,and I'm even harder than stone,so do what I tell you or there'll be trouble.Don't try any tricks with me ,and then we'll get on well together"

Then he went to each soldier one after another and asked him his name."Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly,"He said,"and don't forget to call me 'sir'".

Each soldier told him his name,until he came to the last one.This man remained silent,and so Captain Stone shouted at him,"When I ask you a question,answer it!I'll ask you again:What's you name,soldier?"

The soldier was very unhappy,but at last he replied."My name is Stonebreaker,sir"he said nervously.　　

不错不错    

更头疼

Hitch any key to continue.


Usually there is no computer problem I can’t solve.

But I met my match when I turned my machine and was greeted with the message “keyboard not detected. Hitch any key to continue.”