爱的味道
By 水影
08-6-9
爱，还是情？至今分不清楚两者的界限。因为拥有，会哭会笑，会有难以割舍的痛，或许已经超出了情的一般，且暂记作爱。
爱，是一份奇异的经历，有时会迷失，有时会彷徨，有时会是负担。对父母的爱，对朋友越界的爱，如此种种，断断续续的点缀了我过去几年的时光，也是时候回头归整一下。
Coffession
I am a guy, a sensitive guy. Once thought I was blessed to be given the property, as I have an easier way of feeling others' feelings----which is described as transferrence in psychology, now I really don't know what to say about it. It brings me sixteen years of wonderful memory I will treasure for all my life and, also, six years of nightmare which I've been trying to wake up from.
All of these tangling things are concerned about one core----LOVE.
Even now thinking back into those lost days, I cannot figure out how I got stuck in the terrible situation, but it all happened. I love my parents, I love my family and one thing I am dying to do is to make them proud of me just as much as I am of them. Unfortunately, things just didn't go as we hoped. I got study problems the second year in senior high school and my scores fell like a ball dropped off from the sky and so did my confidence. All the wrongs seized the chance to pop up.
I cound not stand it and the flame of anger mixed up with frustration burnt me out eventually. I fell ill. Being a pet to parents or even teachers all the time and well protected, the aweful situition was just unbearable for me. And it really was. I, feeling locked in the dark, was thirsty for rescue, care and attention.
That was the time my sensitive dispostion took its role in worsening the problems. It made me fragile like the glass, maybe even a touch can totally blowing it away. But deep at heart, I still thought of the family-pride thing, and then facing the heart-breaking fact, frustrated. Hope, frustration, hope, frustration, it showed up in a circle only that each time it was worse than the last one. Love for parents was not a sweet call for Ma and Pa any more. It turned out to be a burden, a cut straight in my heart whenever talking with them for a while. Nevertheless, I never let them know my real problem and when they asked about it, I just covered it up. I didn't know how to describe it and how to make myself understood, and more importantly, I could not take their ever-lasting pride away.
Well, devil never comes alone. I was in my adolescence, and what made it more dramatic was that I am a gay. I was lucky to meet him and had him as my best friend in all those sad days. Everyday we spent together. In a hard period, sensitive and emotional, I was more like a vine that was desperate to cling to a tree. And he became the tree I wanted.
Cause of going to college, we were separated, but we still lived in the same city and so it was easy to keep in touch. However, distance was a problem we could never mend actually. I became more and more anxious about not knowing what was going on with him, whether the totally new experience would erase me from his memory, about everything. As sensitive as I had always been, I was in hell when he didn't answer my message and happy as if I had eaten a can of honey when he said to me "Good night". Ups and downs. Ups and downs. At last, I told him my secret: I am not staight. He was shocked. I knew it was hard to accept but I didn't expect that hard for him. But there was still one thing I kept from him. So he doesn't know even now I ever loved him.
Given the response he acted and the circumstance for the minority people like me, I decided to run away. Leave him out of the problem. It was my problem and I was the one that should bear it and handle it, not he instead. So I ran away. That was so easy to be done just cutting off all the contacts, but it was really hard to carry out. It was heart-breaking.
Conclusion
I don't know whether there is a God up there somewhere to hear out my confession. I don't know either if He will be sad about my misusing the gift He bestowed me with. I've got no way to know all that, but I sincerely want to expose what I went though and release what's inside.
Usually, it's discouraging to awake a pleasant dream but I was just glad waking from my noon snap. "Life is to get to know two things----when to hold fast and when to let go." I have known that sentence for a long period of time, and admired the deep meaning it constains a lot, but the only sorry thing is that I have never applied it into my life.
In fact, love is this kind of strange things that we got in life. If we react properly, it will be sweet like candies; but if overreacted or neglected, it will turn out bitter instead. In my ups or hopes, I overreacted. I tried to possess him which is actually a selfish love; I wished to be their pride in trade for more of their care. In my downs or frustration, I neglected. I turned my back on him and shut all of his caring behavior out; I turned a black eye toward the uncondtitional love my parents have always had for me.
Love, just like a cup of coffee, whether it ends in bitterness or sweetness is by all meams decided by us. We are the coffee-maker and we are the drinker.
我的生活，简单而平静的进行着。喜欢一句话：如果你对自己是诚实的，生活对你就是诚实的。人生还在继续，是把眼界放在路边的风景还是远处的梦，全然的自己把握，因为只有自己明了哪个对自己最重要。
平凡的人生，我们被给予了很多的不平凡；贫乏的生活，我们被给予了许多我们忽视的富足。爱的味道自己调，把握好。
