[英语]Joke of Today [复制链接]

Letter of Recommendation


When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter the next day. The following morning, Peters found a letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for 11 years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

roast pig


A gentleman was invited for dinner.

When he hurried there and sat down, he was happy to see a roast pig in front of his seat:"Not bad, I am next to the pig."

But then he noticed the angry fat lady sitting next to him.

He faked a smile and added: "Oh I am sorry, I meant the roasted one on the table."

Lift


　　An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby and pushed a button for elevator service．“The lift will be down presently，”said a nearby clerk．

　　“The lift？”said the American．“Oh，you mean the elevator．”

　　“No，I mean the lift，”replied the Englishman，annoyed by the American' s arrogance．

　　“I think I should know what it's called，” said the American．“After all，elevators were invented in the United States．”

　　“Perhaps，”retorted the Englishman．“But the language was invented here．”

A Mad Driver


　　There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, “Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280！”

　　Herman says，“I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!”

One Point


Hanging in the hallway at Whites High School in Wabash, Ind., and the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year －"62-63", "63-64", "64-65", etc.

One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"

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Asking for a Raise


At the radio station where I worked, the manager called me into his office to preview a new sound-effects package we were considering purchasing. He closed the door so we wouldn't bother people in the outer office.

After listening to a few routine sound effects, we started playing around with low moans, maniacal screams, hysterical laughter, pleading and gunshots. When I finally opened the door and passed the manager's secretary, she looked up and inquired, "Asking for a raise again?"

Like Father, Like Son


A son came home with the worst marks and the worst certificate in his class. When his father saw the grades,he became very, very angry and said, "You always fail in class! Look at the neighbor; he's always the first one.You're always the last! Tell me, what's wrong with you? Doesn't your teacher ever teach you anything?"

And the son said, "Yes, yes, just this morning, she taught us, 'Like father, like son.'"

My Car Takes Full Service Only!!


A young woman was sitting in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally, two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you push me to a service station?” They readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it for several blocks.

After a while one looked up, exhausted, only to see that they had just passed a filling station. “How come you didn’t turn in?”he yelled. “I never go there,” the woman shouted back. “They don’t have full service!”

注：A full-service station is one where the personnel provides gasoline, windshield cleaning, oil check, everything –so the customer does not need to step out of the car.

A New Employee


Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had five years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you ever held."

"Well," the young man said, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

I can't let him get away


A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. Wow, she thought, this crab is really special. I can't let him get away .So they got married immediately.

The next day she noticed her new husband waking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. "What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we were married."

"Oh, honey, " he replied, "I can't drink that much every day.

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See Those Texas-sized Grasshoppers?


A Texan farmer was visiting an Australian farm for the first time, and he asked his host, “What’s that growing out there in that field?”

The Australian replied, “Those are watermelons, mate!”

So the Texan scoffed at him and said, “In Texas, we grow potatoes bigger than that!”

Then he asked,“What’s over there on those trees?”

The farmer replied, “Those are our finest Australian apples!”

And the Texan said, “In Texas, we grow grapes bigger than that!”

Just then, three kangaroos hopped by very fast. The startled Texan asked, “What are those?”

The Australian farmer said, “You mean you don’t have grasshoppers in Texas?”

Lose Something, Anyone?


There was a man who was drunk and was “zig-zagging” as he got onto a bus. As soon as he was on the bus, he said, “Who lost a bunch of 100 dollar bills with a rubber band around it?”

A lot of people ran toward him and said, “Me, me, me!”

And he said,“Here’s the rubber band.”

God Too Has No Solution


Two countries were at war. The bigger country prayed to God, "God, our Lord! That country may be small but they are very vicious! They refuse to obey us or offer tributes to us every year. Would You please help us hit their capital and kill them all tomorrow!" God didn't say anything.

The next day, the bigger country came back: "Why? Didn't we ask You in our prayers to help us strike their capital and kill them all? Why did You send our missiles into the sea. What do You mean by that?"

God replied, "Well, I am sorry! But your rival country also prayed to me for exactly the same thing!"