[英语]Joke of Today [复制链接]

Our son, Chris, is a premed student at Georgia Southern University in Statesboro. He is fortunate to have a job in the research lab, where they are studying Lyme disease.

Recently he called home and told us that he had received a promotion. "Great!" I said. "You can always use more money."

There was a slight pause before Chris responded, "Well, I didn't exactly get more money. But they did give me more keys."

The Secret of Long Life


There was an old man about 85 years old in very robust health. Newspaper and television journalists came on his birthday to interview him about the secret of long life.

So he said, "Oh, no problem, I just walk about five miles every day, and then I do some bicycling and swimming whenever I like. But walking is a basic routine in my life; I make it a point to walk five miles a day, every morning."

But one of the journalist was very skeptical, said, "My father also walked five miles every day but he died at fifty."

So the old man said, "Now then, he didn't do it long enough, that's why."

A new clerk was sent to the post office by his boss to mail a big envelope. When he reached the window,the woman behind the counter put the envelope on the scales, weighed it and said, "This is too heavy. You don't have enough stamps on the envelope.You need more stamps."

The clerk scolded and screamed at her: "You idiot, that will make it heavier, won't it?"

I understand


Inside the operating room, the patient was very nervous. He said to the doctor, "Doc.,I'm so scared. It's my first operation."

The doctor said, "Yes, yes, I understand exactly how you feel because it's my first, too."

God's Child


A preschooler asked his mother, "Mom, tomorrow our teacher is going to ask who my father is. What should I say?" The mother said, "Just tell her that God is your father!"The next day, the boy went to school, and the teacher asked him, "Who is your father?" Scratching his scalp, the boy could not find an answer to the question.

The teacher asked again, "Who is your father?"The child confessed, "I used to think that Mr. Smith was my father. But yesterday my mother told me that I am the son of another person, and I cannot remember his name!"

More Intelligent in Dreams


When a student failed to solve a math problem in class, he expressed his regret to his teacher.

“I remember solving the problem in my dream last night, but for the time being I’ve forgotten it . What can that mean?”

“It means that you are more intelligent in dreams than when you are awake,” the teacher explained.

Who Is Talking


An army general telephoned to his unit in another place wanting to speak to someone. He said, "Hello!"There was a soldier, playing like a sergeant or something,at the other end of the line. He didn't recognize the voice of the high general commander in chief. He said, "Hello! Are you okay? Are you all right? What's up, doc? We should go out drinking again sometime. All right?

So the general shouts at the top of his voice, "Do you know who are you talking with? Shut up!"

Suddenly, it was quiet for a long time at the other end of the line. Then he asked, "Who is it? Who's speaking?".The General said, "I'm the General, Commander in Chief of your unit."

There was a longer pause, greater silence; and the other end said, "Do you recognize who's speaking to you also?"
The General said, "No, who are you?" The soldier said, "Oh, very lucky for me that you didn't! Good bye!"

God Too Has No Solution


Two countries were at war. The bigger country prayed to God, "God, our Lord! That country may be small but they are very vicious! They refuse to obey us or offer tributes to us every year. Would You please help us hit their capital and kill them all tomorrow!" God didn't say anything.

The next day, the bigger country came back: "Why? Didn't we ask You in our prayers to help us strike their capital and kill them all? Why did You send our missiles into the sea. What do You mean by that?"

God replied, "Well, I am sorry! But your rival country also prayed to me for exactly the same thing!"

Lose Something, Anyone?


There was a man who was drunk and was “zig-zagging” as he got onto a bus. As soon as he was on the bus, he said, “Who lost a bunch of 100 dollar bills with a rubber band around it?”

A lot of people ran toward him and said, “Me, me, me!”

And he said,“Here’s the rubber band.”

See Those Texas-sized Grasshoppers?


A Texan farmer was visiting an Australian farm for the first time, and he asked his host, “What’s that growing out there in that field?”

The Australian replied, “Those are watermelons, mate!”

So the Texan scoffed at him and said, “In Texas, we grow potatoes bigger than that!”

Then he asked,“What’s over there on those trees?”

The farmer replied, “Those are our finest Australian apples!”

And the Texan said, “In Texas, we grow grapes bigger than that!”

Just then, three kangaroos hopped by very fast. The startled Texan asked, “What are those?”

The Australian farmer said, “You mean you don’t have grasshoppers in Texas?”

不能完全理解！

I can't let him get away


A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. Wow, she thought, this crab is really special. I can't let him get away .So they got married immediately.

The next day she noticed her new husband waking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. "What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we were married."

"Oh, honey, " he replied, "I can't drink that much every day.

A New Employee


Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had five years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you ever held."

"Well," the young man said, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

My Car Takes Full Service Only!!


A young woman was sitting in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally, two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you push me to a service station?” They readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it for several blocks.

After a while one looked up, exhausted, only to see that they had just passed a filling station. “How come you didn’t turn in?”he yelled. “I never go there,” the woman shouted back. “They don’t have full service!”

注：A full-service station is one where the personnel provides gasoline, windshield cleaning, oil check, everything –so the customer does not need to step out of the car.

Like Father, Like Son


A son came home with the worst marks and the worst certificate in his class. When his father saw the grades,he became very, very angry and said, "You always fail in class! Look at the neighbor; he's always the first one.You're always the last! Tell me, what's wrong with you? Doesn't your teacher ever teach you anything?"

And the son said, "Yes, yes, just this morning, she taught us, 'Like father, like son.'"